Food for thought...

Hey, ya'll and Happy Friday!  Just thought I'd post a few great quotes that shot out at me while listening to the "Shedding the weight" meditation series in the past couple weeks.  Thought they would be good 'food for thought' heading into the weekend:

• "Nothing is more healing than light."
• "Whatever you are not aware of cannot be healed."
• "You must make the effort to adopt self-care as your default."
• "Negative emotion is incompatible with positive results."
• "When you embody what you seek, you begin to find it everywhere you look."
• "When we come from peace, we can achieve peace."
• "Habit robs us of awareness, but awareness has all the power."

For more information on this great series, check it out here.  

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The beginning of awareness...

So if you read my novel about my yoga journey and how it changed my life, you can see the path that lead me to awareness.  But today's post I'm going to focus on how that awareness started shifting my feelings toward food and how I began to notice the strong mental connection to weight loss.  The moment I truly realized how much your brain plays into weight loss and all of the games it plays, it kinda blew my mind.

I'd say the first glimmers of awareness began when I first started noticing the effects that food truly played on my emotions.  I've always been prone to binging (not purging), a habit I'm STILL working very hard towards breaking.  Just those moments where your brain takes over and you can think of NOTHING else then what's screaming to you from the kitchen...and once you have it, something NEW begins to yell and then you repeat that cycle about 47 times until you feel nothing but, gross, disgusting and despair.  Well, in addition to your brain taking over in these moments, I began to notice how much these binges were effecting my emotions.  If I had, what I knew was beyond my limits of (particularly) fats & sugars, it would be a GUARANTEE I would become depressed.  If I binged on chips & chocolate at noon, it was a given that I'd be on the couch crying for absolutely no reason at 4pm.  If I was having a problem that I thought I could solve with ice cream?  That mole hill of a problem would expand now into Mount Evert and cause my panic & anxiety to grow exponentially.  And where does depression & anxiety lead, if you're prone to emotional eating??  I'll give you one guess.

I take these emotions as my body's way of SCREAMING at me to knock off the overeating nonsense by making me feel so lousy.  But did I listen?  Of course not...at least not for the first 6 zillion times.  But on the 6 zillionth and one time of this happening, I figured maybe I should start shifting my focus a bitJ  (and I'm still very aware this is a work in progress).  Once I started to pay attention to this brain reaction, it made me realize how much the mind is involved in all of these problems.  I mean, how can FOOD change your brain enough to make you cry??  How can food affect you on such a BRAIN chemical level?  It seemed so crazy to me, but the reaction was very real every time it happened and I've noticed it more times than I can count.  And ignored it even MORE times than I'd like to admit.  And once you feel lousy?  It's so hard to break out of that cloud and see anything but darkness, sending your brain in repeated loops of the same behavior.  Desperate need for food = depression = rinse and repeat.  It can be an endless, dark cycle until you peek your head out of the clouds, but feel like you're starting over ALL over again.  You guys ever feel that way??

(photo source)

As my awareness expanded, my body started sending out signals in a MAJOR way that I particularly noticed at the start of this year.  Any time I overindulged on ANYTHING (not even particularly binging, but once you get to that "UGH" point) my body responded by truly feeling awful, both in body & soul (Cue the dramatics...but it's really the truth.)  I can't say that I ALWAYS felt that awful or it's just the awareness that is making it so pronounce.  Maybe because I'm starting to REALLY become aware of those 'warning bells' telling you you've had enough, every time I tried to drown out that bell with one more bite or one more slice of pizza, my whole self just felt so BLAH and my brain feels even more scattered.  And after testing this theory of ignoring it AT MINIMUM 9 zillion triesJ, the results pronounce a resounding zero of changing the fact that I ALWAYS feel lousy once I pass "that point."  

I've now started to REALLY listen to that voice more and follow its lead.  The result?  I've lost weight, feel so much more CALM and clear about my food choice vs the old habit of FRENZIED, panicked and shoving the closest thing in mouth, usually without even tasting it.  It has been an ONGOING process, but seeing and FEELING the results have made me more encouraged to just STAY IN THE CALM.  It's not even about calories, but rather keeping those negative emotions that set-up binges at bay.  And in doing this, I really try to pay attention to what I want most.  A bagel for breakfast during the week might send me into a bit of a blah state that could trigger emotions.  But HALF a bagel??  It's still what I want without that NEED to overindulge when I know a whole is just more than I need on a normal day. (and if I DO need more food, I try to stick to fruit or something healthier to fill in those gaps vs. that other bagel half.)  Just some food for thought.  

Pun intended.

OH!  And on a lighter note...guess what my body has been sending up MAJOR "NO" signals over lately??   CUPCAKES.  I KNOW!  Major SAD FACE.  But the last few times I've had them?  INSTANT tension headache.  Even a couple bites of one caused the same headache recently.  Maybe my brain is just sending up a 'cool it on the cupcakes for awhile', since I refuse to believe this is a permanent thingJ  ONE more bite outside of the tablespoon suggested serving size of Nutella or Cookie Butter??  Near INSTANT tears.  I kid you not.  Just another example of how you need to pay attention to your body's cues and how food is making you FEEL to really crack into that sense of awareness.  I even have to pay attention to talking too much about food on THIS BLOG, as to not keep up any obsessive loops of 'food brain chatter' that I've noticed in the past.  (I'm crazy, I know.  I'm ok with itJ)

So that was just to give you guys idea of how I started on this path to mental awareness towards weight loss.  (And here's hoping I'm getting paid $1 for every time I 've used the word "awareness" in this postJ  hahahahahaha)  I'll be sharing more posts as we go forward on different ways I've used this awareness (there it is againJ) towards different meals, particularly ones where I've been prone to overindulge (aka-eating out/takeout).  It's all still a work in progress, but just in the trying has kept me motivated enough to keep it movin forward.  

Let me know what keeps you guys motivated!

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A peek at balance...

Hey guys, welcome to a new week.  So while I wanted to focus more on posts tackeling the mental struggles in weight loss, I still wanted to include food and fun in the mix and thought this feature would be a good way to restart.  How does a Monday overview of a peek at how I try to balance all my weekly meals sound?  Same premise as the old blog, but now with a weekly glimpse instead of a daily one.  Also, I think I want to stick to just dinners, splurges & workouts right now.  To be quite honest, my breakfast, lunches & snacks have been pretty repetitive lately.  A fact that sprang up once I realized MOST of the time, I didn't really care what I had, just that I needed to eat SOMETHING.  (I know, how novelJ)  Honestly I've been having a lot of smoothies lately.  They've just seemed very "calming" to me at the moment, for whatever reason.  So, unless I have something majorly exciting in those 3 departments, I'll stick to the dinners, splurges & exercise because:

• Dinner is where I pretty much always try to make something different & keep it interesting....(ummm, except last weekJ  You'll seeJ)  And if you've read this blog for awhile, you'll remember that it was kinda the original style.
• Splurges are really the most fun to talk about and enjoy AMIRIGHT??
• And exercise melds them all together = keeps ya on the healthy track, while giving you a little bit of wiggle room for that piece of chocolate.

I hope this gives you guys some insight into how to balance all the healthy with all the 'good' stuff (and portion control it all, via the pictures) and maybe give you some meal ideas if you're stuck in a rut (one of the main reasons I started this blog to begin with).  As always, I like to show that you don't need to eat sad salads and steamed vegetables every night to loose weight and/or to be healthy.  And that, while at times I do have moments of cutting back on carbs and such, I DO NOT like to cut anything permanently out of life.  What's life without pasta and ice cream??  A life I don't want to live, I know that muchJ 

OK, so here ya go...a peek at my week:

Monday:  And it's starting off boring because we were all sick from before Easter and still feeling under the weather, so I think my dinner was leftover Chinese takeout lemon chicken & rice this night.  I mean, awesome first post about healthy balance, right?J

Tuesday:  The ONLY thing that sounded good:  Takeout baked ziti with sausage + a salad (still wasn't feeling great)

Wednesday:  The only thing that STILL sounded good: Baked ziti with sausage (served on a salad-sized plate for portion control) + salad + a slice of bread & butter

Thursday:  1 dish Lightened Pad Thai  (made with cabbage instead of noodles.  Healthy + delicious!)

Friday:  Polenta Caprese Bites + salad

Saturday:  No dinner since we were still satisfied from a good brunch at Tortilla Press.  Complete with a few cinnamon pita chips...

...a few bites of 'breakfast nachos'...

 ...and 1/2 a chorizo + raja quesadilla

Sunday:  French Onion Soup Dippers + broccoli

I don't want to live a life without grilled cheese either.  There, I said itJ

And the splurges!

Tuesday:  Chocolate Coconut egg.  Because EasterJ

Thursday:  A small scoop of THIS ice cream...

Friday lunch:  Aka-the ONLY thing that I wanted on the planet:  Stewart's Root Beer + a cheese dog (and a couple fries stolen from KatieJ)  Here's what was leftJ 

Sunday morning breakfast: 1 orange chocolate chip muffin

Sunday afternoon:  Good old stovetop popcorn with butter + salt

It was a family treat all aroundJ

And finally- Exercise:

Pretty quiet week since we were getting back up to speed after being under the weather.

Thursday:  Teaching a private gentle yoga session

Friday:  Power yoga...taught by ME at my 1st ever full, public class!  Yeeeeeeeeee!  (does shaking with terrified nerves burn calories??)

Saturday:  2 mile walk around the park

Sunday:  Restorative yoga

So, there ya go!  A week in review.  Let me know what you think about this new Monday recap feature if you have a minute.

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Satisfaction vs. deprivation...

There are a lot of mindsets with food & weight loss that I have shifted through lately and have begun the process of unraveling, and I'll definitely be sharing more of those in the days ahead.  But I felt like I wanted to start out with one that I am still VERY much trying to wrap my head around.  One that drives me positively and utterly BATTY...

Why are there days where you feel satisfied and why are there days when you feel deprived?

Why can THE SAME MEAL on one day feel like enough & other days it feels like it takes EVERY ounce of mental effort NOT to polish off that whole plate of fries, follow it up with an ice cream sundae and then lick the plates clean when you're done?  

You're welcome for the visualJ

I don't know the answer, but I do know one thing FOR SURE:  it has absolutely NOTHING to do with your body ACTUALLY needing more food.  Ready to get into that mental game of weight loss??  Let's begin...

Backstory:  I've never really went about my weight loss journey as choosing to order "the salad" (or insert whatever equally dreaded thing you're 'supposed to order' here) with the side of steamed vegetables in place of that burger and fries that I knew I REALLY, REALLY wanted.  I guess before any of the brain chatter really set in, I learned early on that ordering that salad, when every cell in your body screamed 'burger', was the quickest way to set up for failure.  It leads to resentment and anger and I somehow, without even trying, I avoided that path from early on.  Instead, I chose to order the burger, but stick to half.  And most days, I never felt deprived and I never felt stuffed.  As perfect of a victory as I could have hoped for.  Im hindsight, I probably was able to live in this space contently while having my 1st big weight losses many years ago.

BUT...

There are times when that 1/2 a burger just doesn't cut it.  And I don't mean physical hunger (unless it does, and in which case:  YES, eat more), but the reality of this circumstance is you've physically had enough food, you've had THE BURGER that you wanted and you didn't hate your life while angrily poking at the salad...but why are you staring at the second half as if it's screaming to you & ignoring it just makes it scream even louder?  Not having it makes you feel so deprived, as if you're never going to get to eat EVER EVER again except in that very moment.  You start to think how everyone else gets to have all the fun while you MENTALLY have to ninja with that burger in order for it to stop begging for your attention. It takes every ounce of effort not to flag down the waiter with flailing arms, just to have it GO AWAY.  

And then, gasp, what about when it happens again??  

Well now the mental game alone has become so EXHAUSTING that you've had enough with trying to be 'good.'  You are just SO TIRED of paying SO MUCH ATTENTION to every bite and all of this mental fighting.  This time you've had enough and you're not even gonna try.  Screw it!  "I'm just gonna eat this whole damn thing!"

Until you do, and then what happens?  You feel kinda gross, depressed & defeated and you vow to never, ever do that to yourself again.

We've all been there.  (I mean, right??) 

After typing up this post and letting it marinate for a few days, I think I stumbled on a thought that might be a key to part of unlocking this answer.  I think the difference in the two scenarios might be in telling yourself that you DON'T WANT/NEED more vs. telling yourself you SHOULDN'T have more.  Ya feel me?  I've always thought that the 'don't want vs. shouldn't' mindset is one that could always be applied to having a healthy lifestyle vs. being on a diet.  Being healthy means that you don't WANT to overindulge, but a diet tells you you CAN'T (in huge glaring, blinking, bright red letters) have what you truly desire.  But maybe the 'don't want/shouldn't' mindset can also be applied to tackling moderation here as well.  

Here's an example:  I always find that when I'm being 'good' and eating healthy, careful & clean (especially when you first get on that roll), that it is SO much easier to tell yourself how you don't WANT something.  You truly don't.  You feel satisfied & content and in the swing of your healthy lifestyle.  Then a week passes and you get to celebrate a victory on the scale and you feel happy & elated that you were able to eat that burger and STILL loose weight because you were IN CONTROL!  Rejoice!  And you're never, ever, ever gonna back to that 'bad' place again because you just feel SO GOOD!  Again, exactly where I squarely stayed during my inital loss.

BUT THEN...

...as the weeks go on, the weight loss results begin to diminish just a little bit each week.  You begin to feel the twinges of disappointment, but you keep on.  

AND THEN the next week, the scale just doesn't produce the number you were hoping for in your head.  Your brain really sets off the panic signal now.  You feel confused, disappointed and PISSED OFF.  "But I only ate half the burger.  Why did I only eat half the burger if I was only going to loose .2 ounces??  Now I better make sure I eat SUPEREXTRAGOOD cause I DON'T want to gain any of that weight back."  See also:  paranoia & panic.  

And then, oh God, what if you've been SO GOOD AND EVEN ATE THAT QUIONA ON TUESDAY NIGHT WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT IT, but that happens to be the week you gain and now you and the scale (and that mother f'in quinoa!) are now officially no longer friends??

"F this!  I'm just gonna eat whatever the hell I want because I just CANNOT. LOOSE. WEIGHT!"

Sound familiar?  It might if you know me, because I've probably uttered it a few zillion timesJ

And is that above statement even true?  Can you REALLY not loose weight?  Of course you can.  But all that THINKING, all of that ANXIETY has now added MANY layers of emotions, worries and panics to your psyche.  And what does emotions, worries and panic bring??  Well, if you're anything like me: it brings a one way ticket to the bottom of a gallon of ice cream, face first...because now I HATE the world for making me NEED to loose weight and I just don't give an F anymore!

It's exhausting just reading that, isn't it?  Yet we all live in it daily.  Breaking up with your scale is another post for another day and one relationship I am STILL trying to release, BUT as I've started shifting my thoughts & feelings on to how food makes me FEEL rather than what it's doing (or NOT doing) for me, it has been one of the mental shifts that has made that darn number on the scale matter less & less (on MOST days.  Let's be honest hereJ)  How do I FEEL when I can recognize that I don't need any more food in that moment, I've had enough to fill me and that I'm going to survive to see another day and another burger?  And that eating MORE than I know I should is going to make me feel kinda gross, so maybe if I just stay at 'satisfied' and focus on how good THAT feels, and then I'll just feel OK?  Could that help quiet all of that brain chatter & anxiety??

I will be the first to admit that shifting your focusing on how you feel is a minute-to-minute, meal-by-meal challenge.  It takes a lot of effort to PAY ATTENTION, BUT I'm starting to really see the effects of CALMLY having what you want, knowing when to stop and not letting yourself get to the "UGH" point. (more on that another day, as well)  A process I seemed to do with EASE back in the day, before all of the brain chatter/guilt/anxiety set in.  It's amazing how far off track we can get when even our full stomachs don't even send off enough of a signal to stop eating.  That's the surest sign I can think of to know that we are eating 'from our minds' and not from our stomachs.  Maybe if I can just rely on how I feel to tell me what I'm supposed to do, I won't feel like there's a devil on my shoulder telling me I just CAN'T have something and I'll focus on how, in reality, I just don't really WANT it??  For me, the thought of "don't want" feels so much peaceful rather than punishing "can't".  I don't think it's the ENTIRE answer to the 'satisfaction vs. deprivation' debate, but it might just put a dent in the question.

How bout you guys??  When do you find the most contentment in a meal vs. when you feel like you're being left out of all the 'food fun'?  I wanna hear!  Leave me a comment below OR Connect with me on Facebook, on Instagram or through Email.

Thanks for reading!  We're gonna figure out this ish togetherJ